When you're told to postpone and wait on things, never a good idea. Im gonna tell a story as an example.
When I was thirteen, my mom was standing in the kitchen, just hung up the phone. She'd got the call, that my dad was in the hospital again. She was married at that time, to the step who I hated. Anyway, she asked me if we should go see him. It'd been countless times at that point, via heart attacks and so forth, he'd gone in and out. Id had an odd relationship with him by then. I 'blamed' him for a lot of my life going wrong. I played the broken record in my head, over and over 'If he hadnt been an alcolholic and stopped drinking then my mom wouldnt live with the step and I wouldnt be in this crap position,' thing. But, for whatever reason, it struck, to not wait til the Am. I told my mom, we needed to go 'now.' Now. And we did, saw him. And I remember him, on his deathbed technically, telling her he was sorry for things, hed even apologized for one time, he yelled at me for something, was very rare he ever did, but one time I did remember him yelling at me for something, I told him I didnt remember. But I lied, I had. But I didnt want him to 'feel' bad that I had remembered. Like kids can forget things, I figured, if he thot I forgot, then it wouldnt have traumatized me. But either way, was glad he apologized for that day.
So the next day, next AM we got the call he died. Went back up there. My mom just kept saying over and over how she was glad, I said the prior day to go 'now.' Now. 'We have to go now."
Waiting and postponing things, when people tell you that you need to 'wait,' say even on enlightenment, freedom, whatnot, question that. Because like even then, we could die tomorrow. You know, both my parents died in their fifties. I dont really 'see' me going past that age either. Ive never been able to visualize myself, having a long life span. Maybe Ill die on 'accident' like Heath. Im not sure how and so forth, but im not going to go past the fifties, Im pretty sure of it. Cause they didnt. And really, thats okay. Ive never wanted to get old and have no desire to. Not that I fear old age. I just, dont want to be living in some nursing home. Like I remember reading that Water for Elephants story, and the main character is reminiscing about his past in the circus. And how sad he was to be alone in the nursing home. he couldnt even eat 'real' food. but there's one scene where one of the nurses brings him an apple (which was not on the menu) and he cried over eating it. Cause for so long he'd only eaten bland, nasty food. I dont want to be, rolled up in a wheel chair to a window, looking outward, but really only seeing the 'past,' and not, whats out the window. Ive been in nursing homes, seeing the elderly rolled up, lined up against the wall in wheel chairs, just, there. Waiting to go, be free. None of them are happy of course. Ive never met a happy person in a nursing home, esp if they were alone.
I remember my great grandparents made it into their nineties. When Id go visit them, which my grandmother was always really good about seeing them every week, just how sad it was, laying in bed, doing nothing. And of course when dementia kicked in, then they're not there.
So no, I accept my fate on not living long, I dont want to. I definitely dont want to live like that. So maybe its a good thing I dont make it past my fifties.
Still though, I have that stupid 'goal' of nirvana. I guess, the main reason I desire the hammer of enlightenment, is cause I want to know, whats it all for? I dont need to find the cure for suffering in the world cause last I heard its been found, discovered. But I need to find my own hammer, and 'now.' And other times sure, ill question if one exists at all. yet dreams and visions and whatnot, hint that maybe, there is a rainbow bridge. There is a way 'out' of the madness of human life, that I see every day. Not that its all madness. But still, the older and wiser I become, the more I do see, all is suffering and its correct. All is impermanent, so what can I do, with my short life, with all my own various trials and tribs, to be able to find, that hammer, before its too late?
Heaths death was an accident. He didnt intend to leave and he died young. He just wanted to be able to get some sleep cause he was working too much. He pushed himself too hard. And working too hard sometimes, can cost you your life.
So thats the one thing, I guess even as Im in a position I have to work too hard, more than I can stand at times, Im reminded, anything that tries to postpone what I need to do, when 'now' is the only thing I do really have, I have to aim for it now, or, throw away, the whole seeking bit at all.
Thats where im at right now, I think. If nirvana is a waste of time, than I must not vest my energy into something thats a waste. If it is not a waste of time, I have to find it now. Im not waiting three years or anyone who tells me 'wait wait wait.' If I had waited at thirteen to see my dad, the next day, Id have never gotten, to say goodbye. You only ever get one chance, to say goodbye. You may only get one chance at nirvana, at the hammer. So im not wasting any more 'time' anymore.
