I began to slow as I typed, like my fingers were in molasses.
My body grew cold, I suddenly felt infinitely old.
For the first time in many years my blood sugar was normal.
The high of my first insulin injection had lasted a few days. The energy sprang forth with new found balance and energetic tiggerisms. But now that energy spent, I felt like a cassette player who's batteries had grown weak.
Every motion become methodical. Every key stroke well planned.
I felt my life ending and be damned, I didn't care anymore.
I began to feel sad, but not for all the trials and tribulations, the failures and lost opportunities, but because I needed to feel sad. As if sad had said, "Hey, I'm okay with you, why aren't you okay with me?"
Slower and slower my mind crept. More and more concentration necessary to perform even the simplest key stroke.
Need to write a goodbye letter.
Need to unlock the front door so they can find this husk.
Need to remember my friends and thank them and love them and let them go.
I finished my letter. Left it on the display.
I unlocked the front door, lay on the floor and felt time come to a stop.
Then as the feelings of my surroundings ceased, the emotional torrent of living washed through me like water off a waterfall.
I cried and cried and cried and could not stop myself. I was dead, but alive and cried and cried and cried.
After some time peace entered my heart and mind and a soundless voice asked, "What do you want?"
I replied, "How could she do this to me?"
And I awoke.
I locked the front door.
Shut down the computer.
And stopped caring about the mundane.
I learned about co-dependence, the health of minds, the wealth of spirit, and began connecting with people.
I learned about children and grown up children. I learned about love and what people call love. I learned about God and formed a weak relationship with Her.
Thank Goddess for this opportunity to know my Self. And thank Goddess for teaching me to know myself to know my Self.
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This was not my first death, nor my last, but it was the first death with spiritual meaning which ended in the granting of a boon. It was the turning point of my ignorance, the time when sun light and moonlight began to shine on me day and night, to prevent me from hiding from my Self.
