By the time knowledge becomes a frightening affair the man also realizes that death is the irreplaceable partner that sits next to him on the mat. Every bit of knowledge that becomes power has death as its central force. Death lends the ultimate touch, and whatever is touched by death indeed becomes power.
A man who follows the paths of sorcery is confronted with imminent annihilation every turn of the way, and unavoidably he becomes keenly aware of his death. Without the awareness of death he would be only an ordinary man involved in ordinary acts. He would lack the necessary potency, the necessary concentration that transforms one's ordinary time on earth into magical power.
Carlos Castaneda
A Separate Reality
I understand this much more now since last year, tho I'm sure others could understand it better than I. I do feel death came for me last year, for sure. But I was a little different than others. I had a choice. Many do not have a choice in the matter.
I had thoroughly jinxed myself because as I approached 54 years of age, the age my own mother died, I always had this fear in the back of my mind, this age could be my own fate. Now I fought it at times. But you have to understand, when both your parents die in their 50s, 54 and 58, and you get to the age. You may stare death in the face sooner than others, who's parents lived much longer.
Now I did stupidly neglect my health, but not totally. In my worst I did one thing wise, I quit smoking for a year and a half. If I had not done that, I might not be here today. Before I quit, I was constantly hacking, but I quit and that stopped. Now, I picked it up again, but so far I can breathe. But I know, I need to drop it again. Stupid to start again but oh well. But not all of it was totally me. Menopause, my thyroid acted up, I got goiters and had issues. This probably contributed to my horrible weight gain. But when I had basically no energy left in my spirit. Like I was getting so tired, say I was off work at four. I would clock out and go straight to sleep. I had nothing left. But when I had maybe a teeny spark but nothing hardly left in me and had the ability to leave, my spirit was rising out of my body and I lingered there for some time, till I made the conscious choice to return. But when I did, an energy in me somehow began to get restored. And somehow in a month, 40 lbs fell off and I do not know how that happened. Shakti burned it off, maybe?
But yes when I sat on the mat so to speak, I definitely have a new attitude about things now. I felt the need to transform everything about me. I am far stronger than I was. I fought back. But I also had to defeat that self-fulfilling prophecy I carried with me for many years, that said I would not make it past that age.
Now I just got to get past the 50s I'm determined. But course I have to admit, there are never any guarantees, are there? I had a choice last time. I had some kind of say. Next time I may not. And I'm determined to push back that date as long as possible.
