the dream talk of men and bitches: you will have to work that out for yourself taimi. life is about learning.
I have noticed something weird that started during this trip. Sometimes when i sleep and wake up suddenly, somehow my body starts trembling or shaking. It's almost like heart beating very strong and fast and my body shakes in this rhythm.
I expect this is from premature re-entry. I'd say your astral body has been jolted by this Elbrus experience, and is jumping back into your body too fast - could be frightened back - there is something you have contacted in yourself that your astral is still digesting.
I also expect your work issues stem from the same problem. You are restless and given to strange shifts - you interpret this as your old restless needs to find something better in jobs etc, but actually it is your astral body shifting in and out of alignment. This is the same as what people call reverse culture-shock. This feeling, is what we do these journeys for - the world opens up a crack, and the wind from the unknown blows our bones.
One day you will be able to sustain the feeling, without fret, panic or turmoil, and look down into the endless darkness below you.
I suggest you place a small stone in your belly button again. That should bring you some stability.
In the morning we woke up exactly during the sunrise to make an ascent to the hight of about 4700 meters where there were The Pastuchova Rocks. I went alone again. I was very tired already in the beginning. For the fastest it took about one or two hours. After about four hours almost everyone had passed me. I was just staggering there with very little steps, taking photos, thinking about going back all the time. I reached the beginning of the rocks, but from there on the ascent started to be very steep, so i decided to go back. I felt totally tired, sleepy and unwilling to do anything. I thought how the hell i am supposed to climb to the top if i’m so tired already there. Also i thought people must be totally crazy wanting to climb a mountain.
Firstly, altitude sickness. That is the effect. Never had it myself, but it is well known. You just have to hold on and hope you recover. Some people don't recover for weeks - happened to a friend of mine in Lhasa.
But this passage describes a pattern in you. You don't like to push yourself. You don't mind when you feel good - everyone can keep going when they feel good. It is when you don't feel good, when it gets tough, that the journey sorts out the pilgrims.
This is a recurring pattern in you, and not just you. You have the capacity to go way beyond your limits, or you wouldn't be here in this group. But you also have a lazy streak, that just wants to go off and lie in the sun and grass - leave the struggle to others. You don't know yourself.
There is a threshold - once you have passed through that a few times, you will find it easier. Some call it 'second wind'. But it is in your mind that the first obstacle confronts - your mind tricks you into not pushing yourself - tells you all kinds of lies, about how stupid others are, or you are, about how its better to take the soft option.
I am not talking here of when we need to make sensible decisions about pacing ourselves - you displayed the ability to know when to do that, and not compare yourself to others, but know your own body. That part is fine. It is when your mind tells you it's OK to stop before you have even given your body a chance to show you what it can do. I suggest you look suspiciously on that little voice in your head that tries to sell you short, and wants to sabotage your destiny.
I kept repeating to myself – i have to get to the saddle, i have to get to the saddle (this is the place between the two peaks). Turning back seemed not to be an option. Maybe i went too fast, maybe i should have taken it more easy. This was where i started to have a little headache and sickness. I wanted to go fast but it was not possible because i started to wheeze and for several times felt dizzy because of the lack of oxygen. Few times even seemed that passing out was not far. And the flowering backbags band was pressing on my shoulder. It wasn’t heavy, but the feeling was close to that of claustrophobia. But turning back seemed like leaving something unfinished. I thought about how my friend is waiting in the saddle and that also gave me some strength to carry on (we hadn’t made an agreement about that, but i knew he was there)
This is the other part of your mind - the one that know how to press on, despite all obstacles. This is the part that has to grow stronger - it is a long road, takes time.
The image of your friend waiting - another device of the mind, but one that worked for you, not against you. Later you won't need such devices, you'll just silence your mind and store your energy for the tasks and the journey.
At this moment i felt like now i’m done. Even though some part of me was thinking, if i rest for about an hour, then i’m able to continue (i had plenty of time to still get to the top), still the other part was damn sure, that i won’t take one single step uphills anymore.
You describe the battle in your mind well. I can't comment on your decision to stop there, and return back down - quite likely that was the correct decision - again, you have to know your own limits. Though you may not realise the effect this had on the mind of your friend, still I suspect your action was the right one, for you and him.
Once the battle to remove the mental sabotager is won, and the mind can settle into silence, then we know the right course of action - there are always more mountains, and not all of them are physical.
I read this as a success taimi. You discovered a strength inside yourself you are not accustomed to using, even though you know it is there. You pushed through and reached your top of the mountain. That was all that was necessary. This pushing through, plus the power of the mountain itself, plus the approaching struggles you are about to face, are all combining to dislodge your astral body from its sleep. That is the real success!
We do anything to achieve this outcome. It is the real beginnings of awakening. Now, just get your stability back - put the stone in your bellybutton - or you'll make some error of judgement that could hurt you.
Now you know you can climb alone - you don't need your friend waiting on the saddle.
