there has been numerous references to death in the posts, as is only to be expected.
some things i have said and wish to say soon, are geared around my understanding of the significance of death to me.
for some, death may be a cold prickly best not thought of, or it may be a blip on a far longer journey, while for others it may be the complete end. Many people many approaches.
For me, death is absolutely critical. My entire life was reviewed and re-aligned under the impact of my thoughts and experiences of death.
I have studied as many variations of attitudes to death as I could find - well at least those which gave me a sense there was a dedicated attempt to get a deep grasp of what is one of the ultimate mysteries.
I don't wish to talk here of my experiences, but of their consequences upon my posture towards what I apply myself to in life.
For me, death means this phase is over, this unique incredible opportunity is gone. There will be more opportunities and more phases - i am one who has an intrinsic belief in the continuance of consciousness, although in what form? my options are as open as possible - i don't wish to curtail any possibility with self-fulfilling expectations. Tho at the same time, I have a well thought out and pondered working model.
This means I am unable to just cruise through life with a sense of 'whatever'. This is also why I am constantly scrutinising what I am doing and where I am. I recall Gurdjieff coming upon a woman practicing the piano. He said to her. "Must find quicker way."
That is what I constantly throw at myself. Am I wasting my time? Am I being too inefficient with my time and energy?
I have a vision. That there is a threshold I am capable of passing through in my life - the highest possible threshold available to me at this point of my level of evolution. I don't want to settle for anything less!
I don't wish to be carried to my death in the arms of my convictions, like that cat in CC's book. Filled with my comfortable beliefs and my trust in the arms of my own laziness. Time is always running out for me. Always i keep the devil's advocate breathing down my goose-bumped neck.
This causes me to be filled with scepticism with a forum like Soma. What good is it doing anyone?
Well I will speak about the positive side of that soon. But for now, my devil's advocate (my DA) casts a ruthless glance at all these people who come here filled with their comfortable little attitudes, sharing the friendship of the arms of a death by barbiturates. All futile! No one is going anywhere, or if they are, it's all too slow, too little, too late.
I fear. I fear intensely, that my DA is spot-on! And i am as trapped as everyone else - that's the critical bit. We value friendship, we value not upsetting each other. We value accepting each other's right to be who we are. We value respect, we value compassion and love for each other which says, we must not throw any spanners in any spokes lest we risk the warmth and friendship. And all this is our oh so clever little death trap, as it has sent us to sleep, while the knives are being sharpened right now as I speak, behind the next corner - your time is close, my turn is next... off to the smirking beak. which says as it chomps, "You had your chance, but you fluffed it."
This is what death constantly does to me, with it's enigmatic and cynical grin. I can't afford to lie back with the warm feelings of camaraderie. My DA is always at my side saying, "You are blowing it big time kid. You are just like all those fools you thought so superior to - you're on the fool's slipper slide into oblivion... and you could have had it all. Pity."
Clarity causing one to despise one's fellow humans - that's a very interesting comment. I can relate to that! Or causing indifference. G B Shaw I think it was said the worst thing one can do to one's fellow humans is to be indifferent to them. And clarity is an enemy, another illusion. There is no end to the illusions, the delusions, the possibilities and the missed opportunities.
My DA's illusory clarity is causing me to despise my own stupidity, my own clever words and futile creations. There must be quicker way! An illusion?
This is why I have two eyes. One is piercing through, always saying bullshit, or as Zen would say, Mu.
The other is full of joy and acceptance of the universe - everything is fine, the spirit is all around and within - there is nowhere to go, nothing to change, and I can sit in absolute peace and silence, without the slightest breath of concern causing the merest ripple on the surface of my deep inner ocean.
Which one will I be today?
My DA is chuckling in mockery. My Vishnu is a blaze of glory and light. And me, I am just trying to get through the day.
death won't go away
my old friend
so don't come to me asking for sanctuary, for answers, for support. I'm just being honest - all I will do is drop you through the same chasm I fell through. My path is the path of the panic attack, the coccyx spasm, the black freedom which opens beneath your feet as the walls recede beyond reach.
lunch time...
and so what does death mean to you?
