"At the same time, in spite of all my desires and endeavours, I could nor succeed in "remembering myself" in the process of my general common life with others so as to be able to manifest myself, not according to my nature but according to the previous instructions of my "collected consciousness."
I could not attain the state of "remembering myself" even sufficiently to hinder the associations flowing in me automatically, from certain undesirable hereditary factor of my nature.
As soon as the accumulation of energy which enables me to be in an active state was exhausted, at once associations of both thoughts and feelings began to flow in the direction of objects diametrically opposite to the ideal's of my consciousness.
When I found myself in a state of complete dissatisfaction with food and sex, the leading factor of these associations of mine, appeared to be primarily vindictiveness and, in the state of full satisfaction, they proceeded on a theme of the forthcoming pleasure of a meal and sex or of the gratification of self-love, vanity, pride jealousy and other passions.
I thought deeply myself and tried to find out from others about the reasons for such a terrible situation within my inner world, but could not clarify anything at all.
From one side it is clear that it is necessary to "remember myself" during the process of ordinary life also, and from the other side that there is a necessity for the presence of attentiveness which is able to merge, in case of contact, with others.
Though in my past life I had tried everything, ever had worn reminding factors of all kinds on my person, nothing helped. Perhaps these did help a little, while I carried them on me, but if so it was only at the beginning, as soon as I stopped carrying them or got used to them, in a moment it was as if before.
There is no way out whatsoever .......
However, there is; there is one exit only - to have outside myself, so to say, 'A never-sleeping factor, a reminding-factor'.
Namely, a factor which would remind me always, in my every common state, to 'remember myself'. But what is this!!!... Can it really be so ?? !! A new though! ! ! ..."
G, from his third book, "Life is..."
