Don't know exactly what you mean, but yeah, posting here makes me feel like I am not being, the original me.
Not that my path was not worthy and rich in learning.
I just feel a restriction in expressing me.
To cut the bull, I can't make a word of this:
Though you might have been trying to fight your double on this.
Excellent post Nik!
You know, in all the time Restless Soma has been running, I have never seen such a post which enables me to explain something so fundamental to this forum.
We have 48 current members and probably double that in others who have deleted their membership. And how many do you see posting here? None (except for you and on occasion Nemo, who will most likely seek more exciting venues). Do you know why they don't post anymore? Precisely for the reason you have so artlessly articulated. I will explain. Your English may not be up to all the concepts I outline, but I recommend you ponder this post carefully.
We all have many
me's. There is the me our family know, the me our friends know, the me our work scene knows, the me the government knows (usually by a number). The me our intimate partner knows / has known / will know. And so forth: the angry me, the quiet me, the frightened me, the confident me, the child me, the parent me, the adult me....
Then there is the private me - the secret me who no one else really knows, because no one takes the time and trouble to find out. For many people the private me is weak and vague, but for some of us, it is the most important me in our bag-of-me's: it is the real
me. Most people who find their way to this forum have a strong sense of this private me. They come here seeking validation and recognition for their private me. Unfortunately, they don't find that here. Do you know why?
This forum was set up for a different purpose. You see, there is another me which has been forgotten. This me can never be known fully, because it's very nature is mystery. It does not belong to the common battleground of me's within us - amongst the perennial struggle for each me to survive or dominate, this mystery me is always absent. It exists outside the sense of completeness we all have about our being. It is the
unknown me. We call this me the
double.
Restless Soma is set up and dedicated to the path of the double.
You are absolutely candid and correct in saying "I just feel a restriction in expressing
me." No one has ever put it better.
In this forum, we do not set out to obstruct the private me. There is every good reason for the healthy growth of the private me. But the forum is what it is, and that means every member eventually finds themselves before a struggle between the private me and the double. Some succeeded in this struggle, whereby their private me came to the realisation that they were not the only ruler of their destiny, and thus arrived at a constructive sharing of power with this elusive being, the double. They were the small minority, and they moved on to their next phase of growth in which a close partnership with the double became the core of their path.
The greater majority left Restless Soma because they failed the challenge. They chose to reject their double and retain the sovereignty of their private me. These people believe the growth in power of their private me is what spirituality is all about. They found Restless Soma a hindrance to their 'spiritual' path - the path of their private me. They had no choice but to leave.
Of course they will all deny this vehemently, but because you have articulated this dilemma so simply and clearly, for the very first time in Restless Soma, I am telling you now what is really happening here in this forum. That is the reason it is called
Restless.
The only people who find their way here are those who have approached a critical threshold in their life journey. They are ready for the challenge of the double. There can be no peace in our soul until this challenge has been successfully negotiated, thus it is known as the restless phase of the path - there can be no peace in a soul that is estranged from the double, once the possibility of it's existence is intuited.
Your private me is correct in it's desire to not return here, but it is your double that has brought you back, no matter what reason you think you returned for. That is why I said I "thought you might have been trying to fight your double on this".
The path of the double can only be entered upon once the double has evolved sufficiently to actively intervene in our life. Unfortunately, for most people, the double lacks the power or the wisdom to intervene effectively, and thus to challenge the authority of the private me. (By contract, there are many stories of doubles striking down all the me's inside and taking undisputed control, but rarely do you meet such cases in real life, and anyway, such domination by the double is not advised - a partnership is the best.)
Your comment above indicates your private me has the intelligence to see clearly, the honesty to acknowledge the situation, and the lack of overbearing self-importance to speak it out loud on the forum. These are excellent signs.
Now you must make a choice. Will your private
me allow for the possibility of the existence of a rival - another me of equal or greater authority, which you know nothing about? Are you willing to set to one side your private me for the path of the double? Only you can make that choice, and only I will know what choice you have made.
