I’ve gone inward the past few months, seeking more understanding and hoping for a measure of growth… trying to break through the fog of thoughts in my mind… or to push aside the veil that limits my vision.
I’ve spent time in the wildest places I can find near where I live and visited places that Native Americans believed held medicine (power). I’ve participated in ceremonies and rituals conducted by those familiar with the old ways. I visited a spiritual “seer” who told me many things, including that I would soon visit a “sage” who would offer me guidance and two gifts. The seer said I would see the sage on a mountain plateau beneath a huge tree. She told me other things, but that is enough related to this post.
I mention Native American, but I’ve also been doing my best to apply the truths, the tools… I’ve gleaned from all walks that I’ve been exposed to.
Part of what I’ve done involves meditation in my Medicine Wheel, but also in heat and pain of Sweat Lodge rituals. I've taken up running again, in order to know how it is to push through the pain and limitations of mind and body.
I’ve heard gentle whispers from Spirit, I’ve seen visions. That is what I am writing of here.
Several weeks ago, I was deep in meditation in my wheel… I had fasted for several days before in preparation for a Sweat Lodge ceremony on the summer solstice.
I drummed as the fire crackled and snapped in the center of the wheel.
Smoke from the fire, incense, and cedar smudge rose and danced in the firelight.
I lay on my back, gazing up at the canopy of stars overhead, a full moon rising in the night sky.
I closed my eyes and swirling patterns of light moved into my vision. From the purple of the lights ebbing and flowing towards me and around me, I saw the form of a mountain taking shape. Then, I was standing at its base and began climbing. I sensed the physicality of it. Climbing upwards sometimes easy, sometime struggling.. I neared an outcropping of rock.
I pulled myself up and over the rocks and found myself on a broad desert plain or plateau. Barren except for scrub growth, sand and a few rocks. In the distance, I could see a faint plume of smoke rising from a fire. In the golden light of the fire, I could see what I would call a pueblo, a building made of the trunks of trees and clay or dried mud.
I walked towards the fire and as I came near, I saw a man there, old and wrinkled but with an ageless quality. He spoke without looking at me saying... "come.... drink..."... there was a well to the side. I said.. “this is not the mountain... there is no tree...” he said... “that was just the way she saw it and she is not you.... this is your vision.. trust in yourself....”
So I walked to the well.. there was a rope and bucket made from the bladder of a large animal... dried with an open top... and a rock weight at the bottom. I lowered it into the water... and pulled it up... and drank... it was cool and sweet.... I asked the old man if he wanted a drink... he said “no.... come sit”.
I sat with him and he told me things....
And then another voice came and I was standing on the plateau, some distance from the pueblo and fire. It was a man’s voice, but I couldn’t see him, he said he was my teacher. I asked his name and he said.. “Why do you need a name for me”... I said “I don't know”... he said “It does not matter what you call things... they still are what they are.. but if it helps you... a name will come”.
For some reason, I asked if I had a name different from what my parents called me.. the smoke from the fire whirled and danced... and I thought of “Smoke”.... the man who said he was my teacher spoke... “Yes.. perhaps we shall call you Smoking Loon”... then he burst out laughing.. we both laughed.
I thought, So... he has a sense of humor...
He told me he is walking his Blue Road.... having finished the Good Red Road... he returned to help another on their Red Road walk.... this is the next stage of his spiritual growth.... he returned as my teacher.... and he is learning at a new level.. and will help teach me what it is to walk the Good Red Road.
As we talked, twice for some reason, I called him father... the second time, he told me sternly... “I am not your father! I am your teacher”. He made it very clear.....
He would come into and out of my vision as I lay there in the smudge smoke and incense and by the crackle of the fire in the wheel....
And then visions came... and some were terrible images... wild raging angry beasts..... but I had no fear... and then... as I was laying there.. I was surrounded by beings in long black robes... covering their heads... flowing to the ground... the robes appeared to be shiny like silk or satin.... the beings were very tall... much, much taller than me.... perhaps 8 feet or more... and I could not see their faces... I could see their hands extending below the sleeves of their robes.. could see they had long boney fingers....
As I lay there, they began to claw at me... they were trying to rip my flesh with their fingers, but they couldn’t so they stopped and talked among themselves... there was a large group of them... all round me in a tight circle....
I lay there looking up at them... not speaking... knowing they were trying to kill a part of me and I was not afraid.... then they began to strike and scrape at my chest and stomach with long crystal points ... not like knives... well, yeah, but more like long slender crystals... the crystals began to open my flesh... I asked what they were doing.. one said... “You know... we must open your flesh... open your chest and expose your heart.... expose what you are.... you will see this and part of you must die.... then you will move forward”...
More things... more visions... I can not write of them.... Teacher came again and we returned to the pueblo....
There.. a vision came of an old woman, hunched over a grinding rock... busy grinding corn... she had a buckskin dress on... with simple beadwork... but it was beautiful.... Teacher said... “This is my mother and she is grinding corn for you”... but he did not explain and she did not look up.... she continued placing corn in a hollow of the stone and grinding away at it with another smooth stone.
I said.. “I came to see the sage, the old man... I need to speak with him as he has things to tell me”...
Teacher said... “It is not the time now... and you can come to see him anytime because now you know how to find him.... he will be here until he is finished and then he will go”.
I asked, “How can I find you”.... he said... “You know.... and the more you come to me... the easier it will be. I will not leave, I will be here for you.”
He also said... “I will tell you something and you must remember it”.... What came was (as best I can spell what I heard), “Ahni wakti ma kesu”.
And then a bug stung the crap out of me and I returned to the wheel....
So… I am wondering about all this.. trying to sort out what it is… what it means… and I was wondering if any of you might have thoughts/insights/suggestions about any of it.
