You. Thats two winks Ive received tonight. Here's one back at you
No, Ive never hated you. I've always known what you say to me, or told me to do, has been in my best interest. I admit however, I havent always listened. As my court date approaches, I wish, I had listened to you much sooner. I guess, I was never completely in control, not as much as I thought. I thought myself to me 'so much more' than I ever really was. I was like they say per manic folk, grandoise. "I can do anything." Even like when I was working two places, holding down the fort, I thought I was doing a good job of it. "I can take on the world, handle all this on my own, all by myself." The problem was, I was really not in control. I was 'slipping.' And then, when all hell was breaking loose cause I couldnt be here, somewhere my mind, wasnt always 'here' as well. Like I didnt want to 'see' that all was falling apart. Until finally, I fell apart, in the process. I could only take so much more on those manic highs of trying to take on the world. And it would've helped to take in more wisdom, and see myself more clearly. That somewhere along the lines, I actually needed help myself. But I didnt see it, I didnt want to believe it. I thought I was so much more than I was. Even spiritually, I was a god, and then, physically I was superhuman. I was talented. I could do anything. And now, I sit back, and in silence, its all spirit in my face, showing me reality, I was not that. And now, I am looking at what is left, and what I really am. Not much. Rather broken actually. I mean, I cant even come in here and be civil sometimes. Sometimes, Im just simply a repeat offender who does not learn from her mistakes, and I wonder, say in soma, which I bashed, why folks even bother with me when I flower up over and over with them sometimes. Maybe cause they see me, and understand. Maybe cause, we're all flower ups to a degree, just working on ourselves, trying to get pure, to stop being flower ups. Not accusing, Im talking about humankind as a whole. Humans, flower up, a lot. And deep down, I believe, most have the desire
not to be flower ups. But its hard to
not be a flower up. Its hard not to be a repeat offender. Its hard, to just be human itself. Because if you're human, part of being human is, you flower up! Alot. All the time. But its ok. I decided today for myself, I have no right to judge another, for what they do. Im in the same boat, with every other human on this planet. We all flower up, we all make mistakes. We all rock that boat and make waves we shouldnt. We all slip, we all fall. We are not perfect, we are not gods. We might be gods in training, working on it, trying to be better than human, which is really, gods are just like, human beings who have finally 'gotten it,' or how about 'gotten over themselves.' They finally got the wisdom. And they woke up one day and said, "Im not going to flower up anymore. Ive done it all my life. Ive spent X amount of years flowering up, but starting today, I shall not do it anymore. Ill be impeccable, from this day forward, and see where it leads me." And perhaps, some of that grace of spirit will shine on through, not be just, living in the shadows. But actually see the light. Maybe, miracles will actually begin to occur. And life, wont really be as empty as the buddhists say. Life will have fullness. It will have meaning. It will have presence. It will not be just a flower up, after another flower up. It will be what it should be. It will be heaven on earth. And not just simply, a futile thing.
