It all
In just a few moments of extreme reflection I once asked myself, “Self, what ONE thing are you MOST afraid of?” After a few months of extreme contemplation I could only answer, “My death. I am afraid to die.” And then, quite alarmingly, another part of me suddenly asked me, “Why do you think you were born?” Not thinking for even a moment, ,I quickly answered back, “What? I don’t understand the question!”
“Why do you think you were born?”, came the repeated question, from somewhere quite newly-found that very moment inside me. “Isn’t your birth really just something your Dad and Mom told you and you have since taken so much for granted ?” He continued, this other person inside me, “In childhood did you ever ask where you came from? And didn’t your parents then tell you that you were born?”
I then thought to myself that this had really happened when I was about 8 or so and I totally accepted what I thought was an obvious answer. Then this nagging voice, this other person I had not know of inside me ever before, reflected, “How can you have birth without death?”
After more months of meditation upon only this, I began to ask myself if were there two very distinct poles of the same concept, ANY concept? Have I been alive all along, maybe forever?
When I accepted my folks’ seemingly obvious answer back then, was I automatically entering into an agreement with myself to fear this terrible, terrible thing called death? i.e., did things, ANY thing, really end at all? I mean, any THING?
I sat in shock, there on my studio slider, just a year ago. Was also death something I had agreed with myself to accept as existing, like fear or loneliness or even happiness? Is what I am asking myself to do, is question really just another space-time event that doesn’t actually exist at all, except in my very personal inventory?
Then, laughingly, after much, much more meditation upon this internal conversation that seemed to suddenly enter my life, I asked myself, “Self, is the brute force of death just really a mystery only, at best?”
Have I, I guess I am asking myself this moment, always been around?
Is a bigger question more in the nature of, “What is the nature of my existence?” Is mortality just something which has cast a spell over me, over almost all of the humankind? Should I, should WE see through our fears and let them motivate us to examine closer our own “true worth”? i.e., isn’t “it all” about how I see myself?
Is THIS why I see my “true self” as a divine time-travelor?
Is THIS how I sense the continuity of all things?
And, finally ........ yeh, finally, is “it all” just about waking up, about doing whatever it takes to actually listen to what our existence is trying to tell you and I about you and I?
Or am I still not listening close enough?
Tommy Two Feathers, 030307