On Letting Go
A young man once registered for a conference I was conducting on small group leadership. For the first few days he was uncommonly quiet and withdrawn. I had known him from a previous conference, and he had been much more alive and involved.
Finally I asked him, "Harvey, I notice that you have been distant and uninvolved since this conference began. Would you like to tell us why?"
"I guess I'm disappointed," he replied. "I attended a workshop here once before, and I was in a tremendous group. We really had a great time together. I guess I came here expecting to find that old group, and it's not like that at all." It became increasingly apparent that Harvey had not given up his old group when it ended, hoping to find it again. We talked for awhile about the necessity of giving up those things in life which hold us back from participating in the present.
Then we did an interesting thing. I handed Harvey an imaginary shovel so he could "bury" his old group. He entered into the role play with great vigor, digging a grave in the middle of the floor. When he had finished, he shoved his "old group" into the imaginary hole. Others in the group joined in, shoving into the hole some things in their lives which they had been holding onto unnecessarily.
The "grave" was then filled up, and the group celebrated a new feeling of freedom for having given up some unneeded baggage. Nonverbal acting out is often more than symbolic. Some genuine changes can begin when the whole self is involved in such experiences, because we are dealing with
real feelings. Harvey, for example, became an actively participating member of the conference from that moment. The change in his
behavior was dramatic.
"Letting go" is an important dimension of creative living. It is difficult indeed to celebrate the temporary, to live fully in the present, when we are holding onto old emotional baggage which belongs to the past. Letting go has many aspects.
One of these aspects is the giving up of our need to control situations and persons. There are many people who are not comfortable unless they are in charge. They must control what happens and when it will happen. They fret under any leadership but their own. The result is that there are no suprises. And no joy. And no one grows but the leader.
I once worked with a group which exhibited a high degree of control. Its members had difficulty letting go and enjoying the freedom in whatever happened. For one evening session with that group, I proposed a "moonwalk."
The moonwalk is experienced in a large plastic tent with a plastic floor that bounces up and down and throws you around whenever anyone steps on it. To experience the moonwalk, you take off your shoes and crawl into the tent. You must be willing to give up control of much of your movement and permit yourself to be bounced around in a crazy fashion for about ten minutes. It can be excellent practice for letting go in order to celebrate the temporary.
It is important to recognize the direct relationship between letting go physically and psychologically. We are increasingly admitting the connection between the body and the emotions. Our very muscles "hold on" to old burdens, and if we can let go in the muscles, we can sometimes move past old hang-ups.
I would like to suggest a simple experiment in letting go for you to try. If you have a strong bar from which you can hang by your arms, or a swing set in the backyard or nearby playground, use that. Hang your full weight from the bar, holding on as tightly as you can. Feel how much energy it takes to hold on. Then relax and let go. Concentrate you attention on the sensation of letting go and see how good it feels.
I was at a picnic recently with some friends, and several of the children were playing on a swing set nearby. One three year old discovered a neat way to draw her parents' attention. She would stand up in her swing and grab hold of a bar about five feet off the ground. Then she would scream for help because she was "afraid" to let go. Time after time the mother or father would rush over to rescue her so she wouldn't have to risk letting go. She would have fallen about one foot to the ground. I hope that little girl learns to let go and take the consequences.
If you do not have a bar from which you can hang, lie on the floor and take a strong grip on a table leg or a convenient piece of furniture. Note how much strength it takes to hold on tightly. Then relax every muscle in your body and let go. You can practice letting go of things physically and see if there is any carry-over in your ability to let go in other ways. People who are constipated, verbally or otherwise, need practice in letting go.
Another aspect of letting go is to relase the tensions within us and allow ourselves to
feel. Many persons have not given themselves permission to have feelings, thereby blocking feelings from their awareness.
It may be that their parents did not give them permission to feel, frowning on expressions of feeling in the family and making it a virtual taboo. Many adults are walking around still carrying unwanted childhood taboos in their bodies. They have not given themselves permission to be adult and make their own decisions. And no one else can do it for them.
The need to know in advance exactly what will happen is another expression of control and holding on. So we find people gathering for worship with every detail planned in advance and printed in a program - to hear a sermon on the importance of allowing the Holy Spirit to guide their lives! When the element of suprise is gone, bordom sets in. When we can let go some of our complusive controlling of the future, spontaneous and exciting things can begin to emerge.
The difficult truh to grasp is that when we do not let go, we often choke to death the beautiful things we had hoped to keep alive. When we do not let go for our children, our holding on too long kills something in them for us. "It's for their own good!" we say. "They're not ready to be turned loose!" Often it is our own need to hang on which prompts our behavior long after the children have been crying for us to let go.
The opposite is sometimes true as well. Children may have difficulty letting go of their parents, thus prolonging unduly their period of dependence.
I remember an occasion when members of a group I was leading were asked to walk outside on a winter day and to allow themselves to be drawn to something of beauty. One man came back inside, clutching a small handful of snow. The snow had so attracted him with its beauty that he could not let it go. He sat with that ball of snow in his hand, unable to leave it behind, and watched it turn to a lump of ice, then melt. Had he been able to let it go, it could have continued its life as snow.
Letting go means to be more free. Letting things happen. Letting life bring you surprises and challenges and joy. To let go some of the controls that bind us in is to let life flow instead of limiting life by channeling it all in advance. Like the friend who called up recently and said, "Some of us are going to the grocery store to get some things for a picnic. We'll be ready to eat in about an hour. Could you join us?" What is more delightful than a suprise picnic? Or more disappointing that one which is planned a month in advance and is rained out?
To celebrate the temporary
Is to get rid
Of that hairdo
That prevents
Celebrating
That can't be rained on
Or touched
Or violated
By rolling
Down a hill
To be free of all
That self-inflicted
Bondage
Is
To celebrate
The temporary
Celebrate the Temporary
Clyde Reid
P. 56-64